recently yet strangely .. been forcing myself to do alot of things i dun really like to do . yet somehow , something is keep pushing me to do it no matter what has happened . Not to worry though , this are just part and pieces of my memories i would still like to pen it down . Cause knowing i'll be safe from criticism and such , im always happy to blog . but yes , i think no one knows what's going on with my life now as it's kinda a mess now . Even i dunno where to start from but all i can say is that im struggling to prove . Maybe to prove someone wrong , maybe to prove to myself , maybe it's just my ego . I just dun want to admit defeat .

there's no such word in my dictionary as defeat . there's always a way out of this if i can put my words into action.

but simply said than done . Often i ask myself , isn't that the best solution of all ? no doubt it hurts but it's still the best solution after all . to strive on is truly what i needed most now . to fight through this uncertainty . to win not only for myself as a person but also to prove to others i can do it .

lately been running away from problems. guess people only see the always motivated side of me . the side of me that keep telling others to strive on , yet struggling admist the problems .

the helpful side of me , the always responding side of me isn't as easy as it seems to be. even the closest frenz , doesn't even know that much of me . they only know me as a boy that's always there for them .

to make a change so drastic in myself , is something that sometimes i cant even take it . even to say it for a normal being , i feel that i'm kinda weak in that sense. silently taking the pressure , making myself work harder .

at times i wish i could take a long long break from all this . no doubt there's no running for reality . but often i wish i just could escape from this for just a tiny bit of minute will do nicely too .

if i cease to be me , what am i ?

Even for studies , it's not going that smoothly as i predicted for the lazy side of me . Though i thought this was easy to overcome but yes the history is soon gonna take over again.

probably the lack of consistant chanting i guess ?